Years ago, before we had kids, I read an article (and took notes because I am a nerd) about how to be a good parent. Here are the five key points that I wrote/remember and that I try to complete...
1. Spend quality time with your kids-
*Play games, read books and ask questions
We try to have a game night once per week. You learn so much about your kids and can see how they treat others and their siblings while playing games. Who likes to be controlling, who is super competitive, who is the "crybaby" or sore loser. THEN you get to guide them, lead them on how to be compassionate.
Reading books teaches them not only the skill of reading but to imagine things in their heads, not just to watch it on TV. It also gives you quality time to BE with them. We struggle finding time during the week for this one and I for sure want to be better and MAKING the time.
Asking questions, this can be a hard one sometimes too. I don't mean the simple "how was your day". I am talking about the "why did you react that way". Or "What made you feel so conflicted". Getting deep and just listening to them work things out. I feel kids have a hard time explaining their feelings and this is a skill then will NEED as an adult, but it starts with me. Now, do I take everything my kids say as fact- NO! Everything is with a grain of salt... But they need to know how to TALK to me. I expect them to OWN their mistakes, follow through with their actions after they reflect on situations, and truly consider all points of view- not just mine or theirs.
2. Let your kids see a strong moral role model and mentor in you-
*Admit mistakes, apologize, make up and forgive
*Make time for yourself
Talk with and let your kids see you fail/make mistakes. No one is perfect and our kids need to know this. They need to SEE you struggle... So, they will know how to pick up and move forward. They need to see you and hear you pray about situations, so they too will know who to turn to. They need to see you forgive. Reach out to those who have wronged you, they need to know life moves on and we can all move forward together. Notice, I didn't say forget though. This is one I struggle with because they also need to know it isn't right to be walked on and you need to set boundaries. It is NOT easy to do this and sometimes can be viewed as unforgiving, but there is a fine line here.
On that same note, let them see you succeed! Be humble and not boastful. You do nothing and accomplish nothing on your own. Others are always there and most important, so is GOD.
Making time for yourself is another one we forget about. I had a hard time with this for a while but with wanting to help others and organizations is my "me time" these days. It is SO different for everyone. As it should be!
3. Teach them to care for others and set a high ethical expectation-
*Encourage them to "work it out" instead of quitting while considering all of the consequences
There have been times when I tell the kids "it will work itself out". I do believe that at times. There are also times when they have to work at it though. Again, I think this goes back to them watching how you deal with situations and them communicating with you, and you them. You will be amazed at the ideas our kids come up with and how they see the world!
If they want to quit something or you see them not trying very hard, encourage them to think of the consequences of doing just that. What will happen if you don't read on your own, write that complete sentence, practice that guitar, the list goes on and ON!
4. Encourage them to practice appreciation and gratitude-
*Encourage your child to be grateful daily
*Encourage express appreciation toward family, friends, teachers, and anyone else in their lives
In this day and age it can be hard to see the "bright" side of situations or in people who may be angry with life. We must always look for that "bright" side though or we will only see the bad in people and situations. We need to teach our kids to see these "bright" sides as well. They have SO MUCH to be grateful for and I am NOT talking about an iphone or name brand jacket. I am talking about parents that love them by caring and talking to them. Friends that want to get to know THEM. They need to see the "bright" side in everything.... Life is SO much happier and BRIGHTER by doing so!
To see these parts of life it is easier to express that gratitude toward those who helped them. When they start seeing the little things done for them and showing that appreciation, you know they will respect and appreciate the big, medium, and small things! It could be holding the door, picking up something they dropped, getting that meal cooked and on the table. When they say thank you for those things or smaller.... we are getting somewhere!
5. Teach them to see the big picture-
*Encourage them to consider the perspectives and feelings of others and discuss hardships
My all-time favorite "story" to tell is:
There are three sides to EVERY story. Your side, "their" side, and what actually happened (only God knows this). What this means is, in your life you may have experienced many things to make you view things in a specific way. This is the same for the other person and those "things" may make them see things TOTALLY different. So, when something happens each person catch's things the other does not. Making "what actually happened" a combination of both sides PLUS other details left out by both parties that only God knows. This is why taking everything with a grain of salt saves a lot of feelings! No one knows everything about another person.
This is why it is so important to say something like this to our kids. They need to be compassionate toward others and see that their perspective is NOT the only one, especially not the only one that matters. All sides matter and forgiveness is key to moving forward.
Do you notice that most of these say to ENCOURCAGE? That does not mean we have to do everything for them but that we lead them in a certain direction. That could be through talks or actions.